Match Report

Derby Ams (9) v Belper United Reserves (0)

Date: 22/03/08
Team: 1sts
Match Type: League
Venue: Home
Opposition: Belper United Reserves

Tom Broughton Aka Hospital Pass!

Hello sports fans. This day is the first day ever that beer and wine was legalized for sale to the general public in 1933. So it would have been on this day at about ten o clock outside Revolution in Derby that Grant would have been arguing with doormen and getting hit in the head with a bicycle that was found near by for the first time. It was this day in 1995 that the cosmonaut Valeriy Polyakov returns after setting a record for 438 days in space. He was quoted in the paper saying he would do anything to get away from a Dibbsy joke. Also, today was Dick Pound’s birthday, born in 1942.



Todays ‘Land of the Giants’ team is brought to you in height order, smallest first. Ady Colley (3’4” on a box), Tom Broughton (5’2” including quiff), Kelvin Rampton (5’2”), Grant Strickson (5’2” laying down), Sam Marsahll (5’2”), Richard Derbyshire (5’9” with both heads), Adam Blackburn (6’), Richard Mellon (6’), James Whittaker (6’), Craig Mellors (12’5”) and the Singo (18’52” bending over). On the bench we had Tweddle (5’2”) and Magee (5’2”).



The opening ten minutes of the game was evenly contested with Belper probably just edging it with possession. This all changed quicker than Mrs. Derbyshire’s bed sheets and total domination (also to be found on Mrs. Derbyshire’s bed sheets) from the mighty Ams ensued.



Once again I can not remember in what order the goals were scored so I will recap on all but please be aware that a certain degree of errors may be present.



Tom Broughton scored. 1-0.



After scoring so early in the game and against the run of play, a Derby Ams lull followed. After what seemed like twenty minutes of us not shooting when we had perfectly good chances against opposition who were at best, defensively ropey, calls from our keeper of shoot were answered by James Whittaker, who unleashed a right footed drive that bent away from their keeper and into the top corner of the goal in exquisite fashion. 2-0.



Tom Broughton scored. 3-0.



Sam Marshall who has been excelling himself on the right wing in recent weeks then went on the score charts with what can only be described as a butterfingers classic with tragic results. Sam drove in a low hard shot into the legs of the keeper, bending down to pick the ball up, it cannoned of his legs and into his near post for an unexpected goal. 4-0.



We didn’t want half time to arrive but, in the words of Agent Smith, it is inevitable. We had scored more goals in this half than we have any other so far in the season so the feelings around the camp were calm. We watered up and set out for another half of goal scoring fun.



Tom Broughton scored. 5-0.



Sam Marshall had not yet finished with his embarrassing of the Belper keeper and in the second half made his tally for the season seven as he shot from just inside the eighteen to which the keeper tried to save (I say tried to save, he flung out a limp-wrested, in need of some boy alone in his bedroom type hand) and the ball deflected into the top corner. 6-0.



Tom Broughton scored. 7-0.



Just when you have had enough and things are starting to look pretty bleak, things went from black to an even darker shade of black (blacker than Kelvin’s little black book of interesting stories) substitutions were made and Magee replaced Colley and Tweddle replaced Rampton giving even more fire power and ability upfront and a fresh pair of legs on the wing.



Kelvin who had witnessed all this, and had recently been subbed (I did say there would be mistakes), suddenly popped into shot to grab the games eighth. I am tolled it was a good goal but I quite honestly can not remember it but I am sure it involved a slow step-over and his defender being left chasing shadows and Kelvin using numerous celebrations including hand clenched, thumping into his lower abdomen amongst others. 8-0.



And, Tom Broughton scored. 9-0.



Man of the match – Tom Broughton. Scored five goals and showed some great touches on a bobbly pitch.



This weeks special mentions go to Ady – potentially Derby Ams best linesman, Grant – although he didn’t score against a keeper who didn’t save as many as he let in, his general play was good and worked hard, Craig Mellors – who is still to misplace a pass in the blue jersey of Derby Ams and sweeper Rich – who managed to control the game even though for the best part of it the ball was in the oppositions net.



BONKS of the match –



Tom Broughton – in the first half he kept on with the running of being one half of the comedy duo, that has been flourishing with partner Ady in the last few weeks, when, his attempted right foot lob of the keeper rolled along the floor, no where near or in sight of the goal, dribbled in the direction of Ady… (completed in Ady’s section below)



Ady Colley – (followed on from Tom, above)… who brought out the ‘Matt Smith trick’ and we all watched as the ball squirmed under his foot and rolled out of play, completing the hilarities. Also, as Ady was rightly substituted for being more than rubbish, he appeared to take off an invisible/make believe armband off and throw it in the direction of the Singo for him to wear.



The Singo – picked up that invisible/make believe armband and appeared to put it on. (We all know that Butters deserves that invisible/makes believe armband more than you, son!!!)



James Derbyshire – late in the second half, he intercepted a pass and had more time than it took for the Titanic to sink and that skinny cocky American actor to drown decided to test Kelvins climbing ability and fire the ball onto the train lines adjacent in a blind panic. This brought the games most controversial moment as Kelvin then shouted something about Richards sexuality imposing that he likes boys in more of a way than Sarah would like. Also, missed from less than a yard against Derby Rolls Royce reserves on 3RD September 2007.



Kelvin – shouted something about Richards sexuality, imposing that he likes boys in more of a way than Sarah would like. With friends like these who needs Ady???