Match Report

Holbrook St Michael Reserves (1) v Derby Ams (2)

Date: 29/12/07
Team: 1sts
Match Type: League
Venue: Away
Opposition: Holbrook St Michael Reserves

Date: 29/12/07
Team: 1sts
Match Type: League
Venue: Away
Opposition: Holbrook St Michael Reserves

Hello sport fans. Who would have thought that it was only 162 years ago that Texas was admitted as the 28th state of America. Texas, as we all know, is renowned for its UFO sightings. As we all no UFO’s are not real, its just some country hick throwing a frizbee and getting it on film, but just in case I’ve put together a list of things to do in the event of an invasion that will save your life.

1. Go to the Presidents house
2. Fly away in aeroplane as Whitehouse blows up
3. Gather intelligence about aliens
4. Using an old spacecraft, fly into alien mother ship and plant virus
5. Smoke a cigar

Tragedy hit on this day in 2003 as Bob Monkhouse died of cancer. Rumours that the film ‘Bulletproof Monk’ was a direct tribute to him are as of yet, still unconfirmed. This day also celebrates Danny Dyer’s brother, Kieron being born. When Danny and Kieron were younger they both had differing jobs, Kieron played football and Danny worked in a factory.

After last week’s adventures, Swain was forced to drop the Swain Rotation System and opted to play with the exact same team that started the last match. This week would see the mighty Ams away bus back on the road as we travelled across the globe to visit Holbrook, a place that my predictive text calls ‘Inlaron?’

Starting line up: Sweeper Rich as erm, sweeper. Lee Bradley Walsh and Shady Broccoli were continuing as markers. In front of them we had the Singo, Swainey and Gary continuing their impressive trioship in midfield (still not lost when these three have played together) with Kelvin and Derbyshire on left and right wing respectively. Upfront starred Santa’s little ginger look-a-likely Granty and James who never reads these reports. James is a massive turd who couldn’t strike a match, kick a habit or shoot his load!

The match got underway and within the first ten minutes they had come really close. A long range, half volleyed back-pass from the Singo was struck too fiercely and he bent the ball just past our own goal post and hit the side netting and out for a corner. Our brave, heroic keeper was not happy, as this was not cool! The Singo immediately apologised, as he knew that it was his entire fault.

Not long after we had gone ahead through Bradders. Another corner came in from Swainey to which Bradders met with a looping (50pence) header over their keeper who could only wave at the ball as it went over his head and into the net. Celebration needs some work though. This would prove to be the second time on two weeks that these two have combined from a corner and I noticed that they have started getting changed next to each other as well. 1-0.

Not long after we had the pleasure of witnessing a rare occurrence of two Ady mistakes within ten minutes of each other, the first being the more comical. The ball was played square between the back three and Ady took a bad touch and put himself under pressure from the closing striker. As he went to swing with his right boot he had kicked it inadvertently with his left and fell over landing with his face in the mud as the ball trickled out for a throw. Within five minutes he had made his second. Once again our back three were playing square passes between their strikers, and once again it was Ady who lost the ball as he played a squared ball into the path of their striker who came running through on goal and was denied by the legs of our keeper who got himself up to save another less tame shot after low to his left.

Half way through the first half Holbrook had another chance to level and once again they were denied by our in form keeper with a fine double save. Their striker crossed the ball and over hit it, which made him and two of our key players turn around as if all the danger had cleared, but due to the Gail Platt force winds the ball was dropping under our crossbar to which our keeper diving backwards tipped the ball onto the bar, great save but the ball wasn’t clear and fell kindly to their striker who was met immediately by our keeper who got back up and dived at his feet as he was striking and saved and held onto the ball for what can only be described as breathtaking goalkeeping at a crucial moment in the match.

Half time came and Swainey took us inside out of the harsh cold for a cup of tea, and reminded us that last time we played these we were one to the good and they came back to ruin our day by beating us. He reinforced the fact that we would have to be switched on like Christmas tree lights to be Victorians and nothing other than three points would do!

Soon after the break they had levelled via way of massive deflection. Their midfielder found himself with the ball at his feet just outside our own eighteen he lifted his leg back and struck a tame shot that was directed straight into our keepers arms (the safest place on the pitch!) but as he struck the Singo decided to interfere and deflected the shot into the top corner, crossbar and in, a deflection that left our keeper helpless and with them level. The dubious goals commission has awarded a Singo OG. 1-1.

Twenty minutes into the second half, our midfielders had the real danger of a trip hazard. This came after Ady chucked all his toys out after someone allegedly fouled him in the centre circle (by foul I mean their goalkeeper wiped his hands on a towel in the goal mouth, Ady thought this was enough contact to go down), he arose, squared up to the bigger boy, and actually pinched the in guy the chest, kissed him on the forehead and slapped his face (he didn’t actually do any of these things. I’m just trying to make it sound more masculine that what he really did, which was push the guy in the chest and went further back himself than the unaware chap did). We tended to his pour pour and got on with the game.

Goal Alert! Let me tell you about Gary’s goal. Exquisite play, great movement, great touch, even greater finish! A hard ball was drilled into Grants chest, who, with his first touch rolled the ball off his chest into the path of the slowly ambling Broughton, he took a touch and played a bouncing ball through the open legs of a defender to the racing Magee, Magee with his first touch lobbed the keeper from a tight angle and was already celebrating as the ball landed into the far side netting. 2-1.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to Gary as last week, I may have commented on his one-on-one finishing and in a derogatory way, in doing so I may have included that he should release a Christmas DVD on how to finish. I am glad to say that he has proven me wrong in the best style by scoring a glorious goal. Well done that boy!

Not a lot happened after that really. We had some chances we didn’t score and it was cold.

This week’s special mentions go to two people; Gary and the Singo. Both put forward exceptional displays in midfield and were probably the two biggest reasons that we won the game. Gary with his constant running at defenders and his goal, and the Singo with his passing and tackling.

BONK of the match: Sweeper Rich – wore his socks for gloves. Reminds me of old man Pete, who had feet for his hands and hands for his feet.

Man or the match: The Singo – It was a toss up between him and Gary but I suppose he didn’t play too bad. Really though, I have known Singo for a few years and this was probably the best I’ve ever seen him play. Well done that boy!

EDITORS NOTE:

We have enjoyed some excellent articles during this season from Butters, however the recent match report (see above) has a serious mistake and i felt compelled to let everyone know that this kind of journalism will not be tollerated.

Mr Butterfingers has failed to put the goal scoring in the correct order therefore making the game sound alot closer than it actually was, Holbrook did not score until the last 3 Mins and we were comfortably 2-0 up by then.

This website is based on reputable standards, and the reports should be actual fact and not fiction made up by a crazed goal keeper, we apologise for the incorrect info being portrayed in this article and will serve this as a warning to and i quote "Our brave, heroic keeper" as standards that can not and will not be tolerated.

Thank you The Editor