Match Report

Woolley Moor United (1) v Derby Ams (1)

	Player	Rating
1	Adam Blackburn	7
2	Ady Colley	8
4	Richard Swain	8
5	Adam Morris	7
6	Andrew Singleton	8
7	Mark Jebbett	7
8	Sam Marshall	8
9	Grant Strickson	7
12	James Derbyshire	7

Date: 16/02/08
Team: 1sts
Match Type: League
Venue: Away
Opposition: Woolley Moor United

Hello sportsfans. A question I often ask myself is, where would we all be without Nylon? Well if it wasn’t for Wallace H. Carothers getting a patent this day in 1937, we would never have been able to watch Mrs Derbyshire, the evil temptress, take of her stockings in a way that only she can. An investigation has been carried out as to whether drinking alcohol is linked to anti social behavior. A similar investigation has revealed that Mrs Derbyshire is directly linked to the Aids virus. A special shout out for Wayne King (born 1901) just because he has a funny name.

The starting line up saw the glad return of the legend that is Adam – giraffe ears – Morris as sweeper. Marking for the second week running were Ady – chinchilla sized – Colley and Craig – bear claws – Mellors. The same midfield as last week saw Richard – daddy bear – Swain, Andy – mummy bear – Singleton and Mark – baby bear – Jebbett take the leading roles. On the wings we had Sam – the pit-bull - Marshall and on the other Dave – the love monkey - Tweddle. Upfront we had Grant – the sloth – Strickson and James – the rhino (cuz they stamp, innit) - Whittaker. On the bench we had Kelvin – the jabbering parrot – Rampton and Richard – the camel toe – Derbyshire.

We kicked off early at twelve o clock due to the opposition going out on the beer and also because it’s getting dark early so Ady has to be home.

If anyone can think of anything that happened in the first half worth noting, please feel free to tell me on the ‘Derby Ams Forum’ but this commentator can’t, so instead I will fill you with some interesting facts:

In every episode on Seinfeld there is a superman somewhere
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116
If a starfish is cut into pieces, each piece will grow into a new starfish
Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest and placed third
Coca-Cola was not cocaine free until 1929
McDonalds are the Worlds largest distributor of toys
In order to attract females, male goats will urinate on their own heads to smell ‘more attractive’
Pac-Man was originally to be called “Puck Man”. The name was changed when they realized that part of the letter ‘P’ could be scratched out
Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots

And now for some made up commentating.

Ten minutes into the opening half, the Singo tied his own shoelaces together in an act of lunacy, got up, and then took mini steps for the rest of the first half for a bet. Twenty minutes into the first half Dibbsy upon arriving late proceeded to get dressed in reverse order by firstly putting on his football kit and then taking off his clothes from underneath.

In the space of one minute Ady got put through clear on goal, kicked it against his own face and fell over at the same time, the resulting clearance was on target, Butters did a Hagita save and the ball hit the opposing crossbar and out for a goal kick.

Richard Swain smiled when James Whittaker spoke in the perfect queens English.
Late in the first half, Twedds had possession on the left flank and was about to deliver an un-defendable cross. We all watched as the ball ran out after he saw someone he knew on a train that passed by, stopped and waved.

Sam Marshall, on the right flank, tried to take on his opposing player but ran in a circle. Instead of running with feet order of right, left, right, left, right he went left, left, left, left, left and finished where he started.

And just before the whistle was blown Craig Mellors kicked the ball into the referees eyes on purpose, temporarily blinding him, picked the ball up and ate it.

(I probably overdid it with the Swainey smiling scandal)

In the second half, Grant dropped deep to collect the ball, turned and ran towards goal. He was challenged from behind, with both feet at knee-height, with studs showing and didn’t get within a cubic kilometer of the ball. Basically, Grant fell over. The referee somehow, amazingly saw this as a foul and even booked the young man trying to get the ball back from Grant. Screams of injustice were heard from our goal-mouth! Anyway from the resulting free-kick Morris played in a superb ball that only needed a glance to put it in, the Singo got that glance off the corner of his quiff and we were in front. 1-0.

Our biggest problem this season has been Ady Colley. Our second biggest problem this year has been that we haven’t had a striker who has scored in most games or always looks like he will get a goal out of nothing. So in games like this when we dominate everything and outplay the opposition, we still didn’t score in the first half meaning that teams can always grab a cheeky goal and ruin the day, after all its only the team being outplayed that can grab a goal against the run of play (I made that up but genuinely think it could be a new Cliché, not the Arsenal left back!).

This came to fruition, as with five minutes left on the referees watch we conceded a corner. The ball was played in with pace to the back post, one of their players out-jumped his man and looped a header back across goal and into the net. It is the second time in two weeks that we have conceded a late goal and probably something that needs to be looked at. 1-1.

BONK of the match – Twedds – repeatedly shouted for headers and then fouled someone. It’s like watching Jebbo shoot. We all know its not going to come off but he tries anyway. Bless him.

Man of the match – Richard Swain – Man of the match. What more can I say???