Match Report

Matlock United (4) v Derby Ams (2)

Date: 05/01/08
Team: 1sts
Match Type: League
Venue: Away
Opposition: Matlock United

Date: 05/01/08
Team: 1sts
Match Type: League
Venue: Away
Opposition: Holbrook St Michael Reserves

Hello sport fans. In 2005, the largest known dwarf planet in the solar system was discovered. Speaking of which, Ady Colley – worlds tallest dwarf??? According to western Christianity this is also the twelfth night of Christmas, the day when, according to tradition, you are to take all your Christmas decorations down. I didn’t know Mrs Derbyshire’s pants were considered decorations???

Today’s opposition were a team that were just behind us on an up to date league table, so we were always going to be in for a good game, especially with the thought of Dibbsy bagging two against them last time we met in their memories.

A few surprises in our starting line up showed the Swain rotation system back in full affect. Colley (the mardy one) started as sweeper?!?!? alongside Bradders (the one who heads the ball all the time) and Dibbsy (the one who missed from a yard against Derby Rolls Royce). In midfield we had the Singo (the tall one), Swain and Whittaker (the one who collects stamps). On the wings started Kelvin (the unusually happy one) and Marshall. Upfront were Broughton (the slow one) and Grant (there is no honour without pie)

The opening five minutes of the match, pretty much encapsulated how the rest of the game was played. Two minutes in and our keeper had earned his stripes after their striker came through one-on-one and shot low across goal, our keeper saved with his legs as he came out, the ball was never cleared and within a minute the striker was through again but took a bad touch. Our brave heroic keeper came racing out again and smothered the ball with their striker challenging him, studs up at face level.

Within the next two minutes Dibbsy took the full force of a bad challenge. With his back turned and the ball at his feet he was practically assaulted from behind at knee height. The referee had words with their player but did nothing to protect us, and this would be an ongoing theme for the rest of the match.

It wasn’t long before they had gone in front. A bit of good movement from their striker took him wide of our goal, he squared to an advancing midfielder who had more space than Captain Kirk ventured into, dispatched into the top corner to leave our keeper helpless. 0-1.

We had levelled within ten minutes from none other than our very own ginger wizard Granty. A deep cross caught the keeper of his line and flew into the goal and left their keeper cherry faced. This brought hoards of abuse from none other than butterfingers, shouting ‘he’s a flapper.’ Michael Jackson getting seduced by little kids has seen less irony. 1-1.

Half time, and we swopped ends (as is customary), took on some water and was raring to get back out their and show them what we were made of (sugar and spice and all things nice, by the way we played).

The second half started and what we needed was to grab an early goal and impose ourselves on the game. Shock horror, we conceded it! The ball broke down our left, leaving Broughton with two men, they passed the ball round him leaving him treading water and squared the ball into the box as the striker got across his man and on the first touch, blasted into the bottom corner, once again leaving our keeper with no chance. 1-2.

Things went from bad to worse as we had conceded another goal and Twedds came on. This time their striker showed pace and latched onto a long ball and was through one-on-one with our keeper again, he coolly slotted the ball into the bottom corner and gave his side breathing distance, keeper left with no chance again. 1-3

We did grab another, Grant is claiming it, but I’ve got as much to do with that goal as he does! (That goal was scored in the land of OG, OG City, by the Mayor Called Oliver Green, in Ogtober). The ball was struck to which their keeper saved but didn’t hold on to it or push it out of danger, the ball fell at Grants feet and their defender made a sliding challenge towards Grant and poked the ball over the line. 2-3, and we were back in the game.

Then came a moment that we will all look on and reflect when we think about this game. We worked the ball well and Broughton found himself with ball landing at his feet with only the keeper to beat, but somehow managed to blast it straight at their keepers legs, the ball rebounded and fell at Marshalls feet who instinctively struck back on target only to see their keeper make the best save of his life and hold onto the ball.

As is always the way, from these kinds of things, instead of being level with Holbrook they had reinstated their two-goal cushion. From the keeper he threw to his right-winger who took a touch and once again played their striker through one-on-one and he again coolly dispatched into the bottom corner. 2-4.

Only one special mention today – Kelvin. Didn’t have his best game by any shout, but also didn’t do a one hour step over for the first time ever. Bad luck omen me thinks, so I will start a petition to bring back the slow step over.

BONK of the match: Tom Broughton – late in the second half, with an opponent on his back, instead of playing the ball out for safety, or passing the ball inside so we could clear, he sat on the ball as if he were a chicken and he was laying an egg. Cockadoodle doo!!!

Man or the match: Ady Colley – Alphabetical I think???

P.S. Other ironic things I didn’t put in the report:
A clown dying of laughter
A forklift lifting a crate of forks
Do not turn upside down (printed on bottom of a box)
A bunch of idiots dancing on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash – Con Air

And a thought…
What colour do Smurfs go when you choke them?