Match Report

Castle Donnington Town (2) v Derby Ams (5)

Date: 22/12/07
Team: 1sts
Match Type: League
Venue: Away
Opposition: Castle Donnington Town

Date: 22/12/07
Team: 1sts
Match Type: League
Venue: Away
Opposition: Castle Donnington Town

Hello sport fans. On this day in 1965 the national speed limit was created, limiting cars to 70mph on rural roads including motorways. Dibsys mum uses the same logic and has been running at 70 men per hour since. Also on this day in 1948 Noel Edmonds was born. For more information and commercial hiring of Noel Edmonds visit www.noeledmonds.com.

Todays opponents were a team that were flying in the league and if they had won all their games in hand would go top in the league. With our recent run of form (being beaten in our last two games and not showing up to another) we knew we needed to shake off our Yule-time cobwebs and run off all of those mince pies, Grant.

Starting line up today was sweeper Rich Mellon in as sweeper. The two thorns either side of this rose were Bradders and mardy Colley. In midfield we had the dynamic trio of the Singo, Swainey and Magee. Out of the way on the wings were Kelvin Rampton (initials KR is the chemical symbol for Krypton, Krypton is where Superman comes from, Superman’s nemesis was Lex Luthor, Luthor Vandross was a singer. For more information and commercial hiring of Luther Vandross’ dead body visit www.luthervandross.com.) and on the right was Dibbsy. Upfront we had Strickson and James Whittaker back from his stamp collecting adventure. On the bench was Twedds.

The match started and we immediately were feeling the effects of the slant on the pitch. We couldn’t clear our lines and when we did the ball came straight back at us as if on an elastic string. Ten minutes into the game our keeper made his first excellent save of the match. The ball was struck by an advancing midfielder who had ghosted past his marker and struck low and fierce into the bottom corner of our net, but was kept out by the diving left hand of keeper and turned round for a corner.

Ten minutes later we had gone infront. After an in swinging cross from their left winger which dropped onto the head of their striker inside the six yard box, forced a point blank save from our keeper, who at this time was keeping us in the game, the ball fell to sweeper Rich who cleared to James upfront. J turned and ran at their defence and was judged to have been brought down in the box (by brought down, I mean his shoelaces had weaved themselves undone, this coupled by the fact that James drags his feet when he walks tripped him up. Penalty!). James picked himself up and converted his penalty sending the keeper the wrong way. 1-0.

Not long after, and before the break, we had doubled our lead through Granty. After being put through one-on-one, Grant, who had obviously been watching the dvd Christmas special, ‘Magee - on how to finish,’ shot straight at their keeper, the rebound fell in between Grant, their keeper and a covering defender to which Grant extended his toe out and poked the ball in. 2-0.

It is always nice when you hear the other team getting a roasting at half time, and today was no exception. While the converse between us was how we were going to improve our foot holding on the game, their manager took a less subtle approach and was shouting/screaming/bitching/biting about how badly they had played in the first half (forty-five minutes is the same amount of time as it takes to cook chicken and cashew stir fry, cashew is a nut, Nuts is a magazine with celebrities in, an example of a celebrity is reality TV star and Big Brother winner Pete Bennett. For more information and commercial hiring of Pete Bennett visit www.pete-bennett.co.uk)

The second-half goal-fest got underway and it pretty much started with us on top. So much happened in the second half that my accounts may not be exactly on time scale and events may have happened in a differing order, but please bare with me.

The Singo went close early on with a shot that was closer to the half way line than it was their eighteen, that had beaten their keeper but narrowly missed the crossbar.

We had another in the back of the net shortly after through Bradders. Constant pressure forced them into giving away a corner. A laser guided, pin-point cross was delivered onto the head of Bradders as if two magnets were pulling together, Bradders said thank you very much and guided into the net. 3-0.

Moments after our goal they had scored in pretty much the same fashion. A corner came in that wasn’t dealt with and their player was left with an easy header six yards from goal. Sloppy defending as three or four people could have cleared the ball. 3-1.

This was the start of a ten minute period were we could have been undone but for our excellent keeper. After a mistake from Colley, their striker found himself with the ball bearing down on goal, he struck early across the face of the goal and was going in until our keeper clawed the ball round the post with yet another fine stop, once again pushing the ball round the post for a corner.

Our keeper hadn’t finished with the heroics yet. Moments later their striker found himself yet again in space in the box, he headed, over our keeper striking the crossbar, the bounced off the bar and back into the six yard box. Our keeper made up what seemed like ten yards of space to dive at the ball taking it off the head of their second striker who was only left with the job of putting the ball in the net. This even made captain Colley applaud his elder keeper and, in all gods honest truth, even pat him on the back with congratulation.

The next goal was crucial. Had they pulled the score back to within one goal it would have given them the momentum but three goals behind puts the game beyond doubt. Fortunately it was us that grabbed it. Another corner from Swainey saw the ball cleared by their defence but not very well, it was lumped back in to which the Singo, under challenge from their keeper who subsequently hit him in the face, nodded the ball home with a brave header. 4-1.

They hadn’t quite given up yet and still managed to grab the best goal of the game before the close of play. Their striker with his back to goal from thirty yards spun and struck a shot that flew past our rooted keeper, which hit the crossbar, bounced on the floor and into the roof of the net, Tony Yeboah esq. Unstoppable! 4-2.

We had another goal in us as well. Some good work down the left flank saw Kelvin leave his defender for dead, quite remarkably WITHOUT doing a sluggish step-over, and deliver the ball into the box which was closer to their keeper than Granty; this didn’t stop Grant attacking it and headed in from close range, in doing so taking a kick in the face from their defender. 5-2.

This weeks special mentions go to sweeper Rich as a calming influence in defence and always wanted the ball playing short giving people options, Gary Magee as once again he ran his socks off and had lumps kicked out of him but carried on and Granty upfront who looks like he’s back in his goal scoring form of yester year.

Man of the Match – Richard Swain – ball retention is a major part of Swainey’s game, and on a pitch that didn’t allow it to be easy, against opposition that don’t give you any time on the ball, probably deserved his fourth MOTM of the season.

BONKS of the match - the Singo – in scoring his goal he got punched in the face.
- Granty – in scoring his second goal he got kicked in the face.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone!

Article by Butters