Match Report

Derby Ams (5) v Santos Khalsa (0)

Date: 27/10/07
Team: 1sts
Match Type: Cup
Venue: Home
Opposition: Santos Khalsa

Hello sport fans. In the week that tragedy had hit America with flames destroying many houses including famous people like Cher obviously causing her and her family much emotional grief (but probably not as much emotional grief as I was subject to whilst watching ‘Mermaids’ or listening to ‘Love Hurts’) With governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vowing to find the people responsible and make them pay you have to fear for them, as I have seen on three occasions how life threatening Arny can be when he tracks someone down. So just sit back, relax and enjoy the latest edition of what is fast becoming one of Britain’s most read sports articles.

Todays opposition were Santos Khalsa, a team that we knew very little about other than they play at a standard that made Dibbsy look like a world beater, could make a Kelvin one foot turning circle look like a Ronaldo step-over and could even make Colley look distinctly average!

Morris started as sweeper in what will be his last game for a while due to an operation (he wont talk about his operation and rumours are rife that he wont be coming back as an Adam but an Andrea???) with the partnership of Derbyshire and Carl Whittaker man marking for the second week running. We started an experimental midfield with the Singo continuing his role as holding midfielder, in front of him we played a Jolley Colley combination that we hoped would out rhyme the opposition. Out wide we pushed Twedds and one-hour-step-over-man to give width, knowing that both players also have the delivering abilities of a recent postal strike. Swainey being the manager has the final say in players positions, started himself upfront (surprisingly) alongside motor-mouth Butler. On the bench we had Paul Sheffield and James Whittaker giving us plenty of options upfront for replacement.

The match got underway and immediately we were hit with the fact that it was an unfamiliar midfield, with no fluidity which resulted in the ball not being passed to feet with us losing possession frequently. This invited unwelcome pressure on our defence that in their defence did repel their advances. After ten minutes all that seemed to change for the good and our midfield started to become the potent force that on paper they should have been often playing football reminiscent of Arsenal on what was a tricky pitch.

It wasn’t long after this that we had the lead. Some good work by winger Tweddle saw him play in Butler one-on-one to which he smashed the ball along the floor to see it hit a divot and fly up over their keeper (imagine Stan Collymore versus Tim Flowers but with a fiercer shot). 1-0.

Not long after we had doubled our lead through the eldest of the Whittaker brothers. A corner to the back past was met by Carl with a bullet header that went into the top corner of the net. Not very many players have the ability to put the ball into the top corner of the net and Carl is no exception, as it went in the postage stamp vicinity via a bounce off the floor. 2-0.

Before the end of the first half we had another in the back of the net. The Singo this time on target. With his back to goal, his first touch he turned on his right foot, left his defender, left foot finish! Power of flight left keeper with no chance. 3-0.

Half time arrived with us in total control with them accruing no shots on target and being nothing more than spectators for the last thirty minutes of the first half. It was at half time that they must have ‘adapted’ their game plan to accommodate that fact that we were hammering them. ‘Adapted’ in short meant that they were going to get dirty – I stress, not physical – dirty.

Straight from the kick off we put them under pressure and a through ball to which Butler latched onto saw him grab his second and our forth by powering the ball into the roof of the net in the opening minute of the restart. 4-0.

There was some controversy about our fifth and final goal. Whilst in possession of the ball, captain Colley was chopped down at knee height with a set of studs. Their entire defence ran over to accuse him of diving despite the bliss of a set of stud marks across his leg and the beautiful look of pain slowly developing across his face, leaving Jolley in on goal with only their keeper to beat, and instead of slotting the ball into the side net or rounding the keeper he decided to put it into the upper-ninety of the goal. 5-0.

Substitutions were made and Paul Sheffield came on for Rampton and James Whittaker replaced the goal scoring Butler giving direct like-for-like replacements. It was James that would make the largest impact on the game.

It was obvious that they couldn’t beat us by playing football so they resorted to tactics of a more sinister nature. Late in the second half James decided to make a two-footed, feet of the ground, studs showing slide challenge to which he didn’t quite make contact with the ball, this saw the idiots that are Santos Khalsa react by one trying to kick him in the face, another stamp on him and another trying to punch him all whilst he was on the floor. With them basically ‘gang beating’ him we all flocked over to try aid our fallen, in the panic that ensued their smallest player jumped over two of his bigger mates to throw a punch at the Singo. Singo’s face went from a look of concern for his mate to a look of disbelief that a bloke that little had even bothered him to a look of I’m gonna rip your f****n head off, all in the space of half a second and all our concentration then went to stopping the Singo killing this little bloke. It all broke down and the referee had words with James for the original challenge and their defender who kicked at him showing them both yellow cards.

There was still enough time left for them to try and get a couple of consolation goals. The first time their striker was through one-on-one to which, beyond belief, Morris speedily tracked back and forced him away from goal, he cut back in and rifled a shot towards goal that our excellent keeper saved from point blank distance and held onto the rebound, their second was a squared ball from our right-back to which, again amazingly, the Singo speedily intercepted and hurt their striker. I looked down with them both being on the floor and could only see a massive grin all over the face of the Singo and as he got up and walked away even their striker patted him on the back and told him it was a great challenge.

Special mentions this week go to Richard Derbyshire and Carl Whittaker who had there best games in an Ams shirt this season, the Singo who was excellent again as holding midfielder and Mike Jolley again who tested the ago old adage of playing to the whistle and Morris who will be missing for potentially months and signed off in the best way possible.

Man of the Match – Ady Colley – I don’t know why???

BONK of the match – Ady Colley – in the second half as Jolley shouted for the ball, Ady took it upon himself to not listen, and try and control the ball. In doing so he landed with both feet on top of the ball in a Di Canio fashion but unlike the Italian wizard, Ady fell arse-over-tit in the centre of the pitch. And people say comedy is dead???

Article by Butters