Match Report
Derby Ams (6) v Woolley Moor United (0)
| Player | Rating | ||
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Adam Blackburn | 8 | |
| 3 | Carl Whittaker | 8 | |
| 4 | Richard Mellon | 8 | |
| 6 | Richard Swain | 8 | |
| 7 | Andrew Singleton | 8 | |
| 8 | Adam Morris | 8 |  |
| 9 | Grant Strickson | 8 | |
| 10 | Ady Colley | 8 | |
| 13 | Tom Broughton | 7 | |
| 14 | Duncan Yarnall | 7 |
Date: 20/12/08
Team: 1sts
Match Type: League
Venue: Home
Opposition: Woolley Moor United
Hello sportsfans. Its been a while but once forgotten twice shy so I know this is what you all want! Today’s opposition were bottom of the table this season, having only won once in the process, but we ourselves were not without worry: - no-one did a Derby Ams secret Santa!!!
With no less than twenty people available today, Dave was faced with a few questions. Were BA and the rest of the A-Team the original drink spiker’s in Mr T’s milk? How do selefane shrink wrappers come packaged? And is Gordon Ramsey classed as a chef or a TV presenter? At left back we had Carlos, fan of Tango, in the centre, Brenty and Mellony and at right back Mark the Manc (although, no actually from Manchester). The three in midfield were club captain Morris. Sequin Swaney and the Singo were backing singers. Granty, Gary and Ady, or as I like to call them, the great, the good and the rubbish, lead the line up top. Subs were pink boots Aidan, one-footed Broughton, Lee and Uncle assistant player/manager Dunc all ready to walk the line in the name of the Mighty Ams. For the first time in a long time the changing room was lively before hand, this was helped along by the fact that Morris had ironically left the unwashed training tops in his car. (I say ironic, I mean damn-right forgetfully!). Sam Marshall also made a triumphant return to training after a few months out with hernia operations, which was good to see.
The game got underway and you could see that the bubbly changing room had rolled over onto the pitch. We were passing and moving, and moving and passing. Grant had a one-on-one, he shot wide. Grant had another one-on-one, the keeper saved it. Grant had yet another one-on-one, he shot it straight at the keeper when he was on the floor.
It was inevitable, our first goal was only moments away. Moments later it came, from what can only be described as a vintage butterfingers mistake as a below par Morris corner was salvaged as the ball slipped underneath the Woolley Moor Keepers hands and rolled into the path on the galloping Blackburn. 1-0 to the good guys!
Our second goal was, unfortunately for our opposition, once again a goalkeeping error. Clever interplay between Swain and that man Ady left the latter bearing down on goal, and after two hundred and thirty eight chances to shoot he eventually, placidly directed the ball towards the goal. Five minutes before this, the Woolly Moor keeper decided it would be a good time to swap his goalkeeping gloves for mittens, the ball squirmed through his clasp and fell at the feet of rambling Blackburn who netted his second of the game. 2-0.
I’m going to stop the report for a second and ask everyone reading this a question. If you were in front of goal and the ball was played square to you would you: -
A) put it in with the appropriate right foot making a three quarter connection
B) take a touch and shoot when you are more composed
C) dance a jig
D) try a delicate back heel flick
If you answered D, congratulations, your name is Adrian Brian Colley and you’ve just missed the target from inside a yard. How did you not get BONK?
Report continued. The third of the game came from the penalty spot. I don’t remember who got fouled but, the man with the big game temperament stepped up, the man who has the nerve of Christina Ricci when she steeped into Casper’s house, for how was she meant to Casper was a friendly ghost? And the man who can bare more pressure than a pressured can of bear meat, Blackburn. Gave the keeper the ‘it’ll be lonely this Christmas eyes’ and laser targeted the ball two inches inside the post. 3-0.
Just before the break of half time we had bagged another. Once again we had plenty o chances to convert it originally but the ball broke just inside the edge of the box, with the keeper and two defenders almost pilot lighting the trajectory for the ball to pass them, our hero side-footed the ball and found the back of the net. It was the man of the moment again, Blackburn, scoring his fourth. This boy really is something to watch out for. 4-0.
Half time broke and Dave was happy with us. In my head he mentioned that we were all little bits of Rice Crispies and team work was the marsh mellow binding us, and together we were a breakfast cereal bar suitable for eating in-between meals or if you have tea early you could eat one as a small breakfast to tide you through. You see the good thing about breakfast cereal bars is that they are conveniently sized so you can carry them with you where ever you go and if you don’t want to eat it you can save it for tomorrow or even the day after.
He went on to swap the Colleynator for Aiden Lee-Gale, but Ady did miss more goal scoring chances than Mcfly have had top ten hits. This proved to be a good move as it was that man Gale who later would earn us a penalty by being stricken down by the flailing leg of a covering defender. Again Blackburn stepped up and dispatched the ball in accordance with FA regulations, this time giving the keeper the ‘crazy eyes’ sending him fleeing in the opposite direction. 6-0.
Uncle player/manager Dunc replaced Mark at right back and Tom replaced our man with one leg longer than the other upfront, Slanty Granty. This was testament to the squad as we had the ability to replace good players with equally good players, replace quality with quality. A little like how the Juggler replaced the lion tamer as the main attraction in the circus, like how nuclear power is tipped by many to replace fossil fuels in providing the majority of energy to the country. Both have good points, one is keeping one of the most dangerous animals that ever lived at bay in a small cage to the crowds amusement and the other doesn’t pollute the environment (providing you discount Chernobyl).
As is customary with numbers, before the sixth goal was the fifth goal. I’ve left this goal till last as it was the best of the bunch. Blackburn, who was predicting the sixth goal so this would have made it his double hat-trick, was running through with the keeper but his first touch was admittedly bad and took him away from goal, he corrected this with his next touch, firing the ball past the keeper across goal and into the top far corner, quite literally ripping the net from the post and bringing a tear to Dave’s eye like someone had just pulled a hair from his nose. 5-0.
Despite a few late scrapes the defence were resolute and didn’t buckle giving us our second clean sheet in three games and also ruining Woolley Moor’s five goals a game conceded and one goal scored average.
MOTM -
BONK of the match - Swaney - fell over on the pitch. Come see his latest theatrical performance as Bambi in Bambi in oiled slick roller-skates on Ice in high-winds. Tickets available at all good retail outlets now.
P.S. Merry Christmas everybody!