Match Report

Holbrook St. Michaels Reserves (0) v Derby Ams (3)

Date: 25/04/09
Team: 1sts
Match Type: League
Venue: Away
Opposition: Holbrook St. Michaels Reserves

Hello sportsfans. The Mummy returned, Batman returned and now sitting amongst those greats, I have returned for the last game of the seasons’ match report.

The last starting line up of the season saw Mark Allison play his last game in the colours of the Mighty Ams. Good news done; now on with the bad news, club captain Morris and Razor Ruddock (one man - three names, like Marco Pierre White) were his chums in defence. The five in midfield starting from left to right were Marshall, Colley, Tom, Swainey and the Zingo, or as they are more affectionately known the Cowboy, the Indian, the Policeman, the Construction worker and the overly hairy chap in the S&M outfit (not just any outfit, its an S&M outfit!). Powering in up-front like the latest straight to DVD Steven Segal film were Grant and Tom, or as I like to call them – ‘I haven’t scored since 20th December 2008, yes that is last year’ and Tom. To the Batcave Robin!

First half. The first ten minutes and we were shakey like Stevens, and the images from the same fixture earlier on in the season were forefront in our heads like a goat in a boat. For the main part it was the course, hard, uneven pitch that felt like it had been relayed by a woman!

It’s the last game of the season so, for once, I’ll give credit were credit’s due - the first goal of the game was a beauty! Some fine work down the left by Marshall, he squared the ball to Colley who took the ball on the bounce and lobbed the flailing keeper from distance. 1-0.

Just before half time a high ball hovering just above the left foot of Broughton was struck straight off the sweet part of his foot and flew into the top corner… …top corner of the pitch I mean! Drunken, yobish, hooligan type chants of ‘Your shot went out for a throw in’ were heard bellowing from the sidelines. We all thought it was a bit harsh Dave but you’re the manager...

At half time we went in for Disco Dave to regale us with his takings from the first half and how we could better our team performance but we mainly went in because of the free orange. Now to everyone reading this you may wonder what Dave talks about at half time… well, let me tell you. He asked could Supermans heat vision penetrate Batfinks wings of steel? He asked if your last name was ‘Kneivel’ would you really name your firstborn ‘Evil?’ He often ventures into in-depth wordings of ‘The battle of Hastings’ as if he was there himself and re-lives the battle himself, fighting like the eternal struggle of good versus evil, Ying versus Yang, shampoo versus conditioner.

Second half started and our domination from the first half rolled over like a regurgitating pot bellied pig. A superb long ball pass all the way from right back to left wing from Morris found Marshall gallivanting down the right wing like a whippet on speed, squaring the ball he found Tom with only the keeper to beat. He slotted the ball in with confidence. 2-0.

Swainey played the last minutes of his season like a happy moo cow and came off with twenty left to play. Hosker came on. One full minute later Hosker went off again. Kelvin came on for his last game in the first team colours and showed us all he’s still got ‘it’ with a slow, poorly executed step over that still manages to fool everyone on the pitch. God I’m gonna miss you Kelvin! Sniff sniff.

Their defence, which all game had looked as wobbly as a pit-bull in free-fall, gifted Tom with our third goal. After sustained pressure for three to four minutes, a poor clearance rolled unsuspectingly into Tom B’s path, and bang, 3-0.

With seven minutes left on the clock they managed to beat our defence for the first time and their forward was through on goal. Morris, in a valiant attempt to prevent a goal made a last ditch challenge, unfortunately catching the Holbrook striker on his foot and giving away a penalty.

Now, re-read the last sentence but replace the words ‘valiant’ with ‘clumsy’, ‘challenge’ with ‘near ankle-breaking collision’ and ‘unfortunately’ with ‘just stand up and avoid’. End the sentence with the words ‘you Wally!’

Anyway it doesn’t matter, Butters saved it! Clean sheet baby!

BONK of the match – Sam Marshall – set out to get to football but forgot the kit. I’d have personally given it to Tom Broughton but what do I know???